Happy Birthday Rhys Man!

My sweet Rhys Man,

You are two years old today!  I can't believe how much the time has flown by and how smart and wonderfully funny you are.  You are talking up a storm and can tell us so many things now.  You are such an easy going guy, most of the time happiest when you have a ball to play with or you can go outside.

You love to laugh and jump all over Daddy.  Since Mommy was pregnant, I haven't been able to play on the floor much or toss you around, so Daddy has taken over for all things rough and tumble.  You like to sit on his tummy and jump up and down, and you laugh so loud when he lifts you high up in the air.  You like to drive your cars around and you love to shoot hoops on the little plastic goal in the living room.  You are actually getting to be a pretty good shot, and even when you miss you just say "Almost!" and try again.

Lately you have discovered that you can have a bit of an opinion, so you tell us "No like it!" and you say "No mama!"  We are still working on manners, but you are pretty good at saying thank you and please when we remind you.  You love to read books at night and your favorites right now are the ones with trains and big trucks.  You also know lots of animals by name and like to make their sounds too.  You are generally a good eater and especially love apple sauce and mac & cheese.  Lately your funniest habit is that you munch on your toast at breakfast and then tell us what shape it looks like.  So far it has always been something different and with your little bites missing, they do actually kind of resemble what you say!  We have had a boat, a chicken, a castle, a boot and a motorcycle!  Your creativity is hilarious.

You are getting so big and strong!  You may not be as big as some other boys your age but you are still just as able to run and play and make trouble.  You do tend to sit back a bit and watch what all the bigger kids are up to which I am actually quite glad for!  I will be happy for you to scope out the situation before rushing right in!  You seem to be easy for other kids to play with and you definitely love being doted on by older girls.  (Not only our friends' daughters but especially the ladies at day care!)

I have loved looking at pictures of you from the last year and seeing how much you have changed and grown up.  You are so handsome and I love your big sweet eyes and happy smile.  I am so glad that soon Mommy will be feeling back to 100% and we will get to snuggle and sing songs together!  I also want to thank you for teaching Mommy and Daddy that we can always trust God's plan.  Now that your brother Beckett is here and dealing with a lot of the same health struggles you had in the beginning, we have felt a great sense of peace and know that the journey with you helped prepare and strengthen us.  Seeing what a perfectly healthy little boy you have turned into reminds us that we only need to patient and wait for the healing that God can provide for Beckett.

We love you very much and are so thankful that God has given us two whole years to treasure you.  Here's to many more!

All my love,

Mama

Today the angels threw a party!

Cameron,
You are a smart girl that can retain a LOT of information.  You have learned dozens of bible verses, songs, stories and concepts from the Bible.  You are the one that always wants to speak up and answer questions (and I can attest from teaching your Sunday School class on occasion).  We have had discussions together before about how to ask Jesus into your heart and you already seemed to understand it all.

Your daddy and I wanted to be sure that you weren't just repeating back what you had heard your teachers say.  You are still a little girl in our eyes and we never want to make you feel pressured to do or say something just because you think we want it.  So each time we would approach the subject, we would back off as soon as you seemed distracted or you wanted to move onto something else.

But we had the discussion with you again tonight.  Our church will be hosting a baptism party in early August and we knew that you would be very excited to participate.  We wanted to make sure that you understand that baptism was not what made you a Christian and that it is only a symbol of the change Jesus made in your heart when you asked him to forgive your sins and be the Lord of your life.

Our church had given us some cards a long time ago to walk through the different topics and bible verses that explain salvation.  We asked you questions and had you put things into your own words.  You blew us away with how much you were honest and clearly understood.  Then the three of us, all sitting together on your bed, prayed together and you asked Jesus into your heart.

And Mommy told you that the Bible says that the angels threw a party for you today.  We told you how proud we were of you and that we knew Jesus loves you so much.  Even though we will all still make mistakes, we know that he will always be with us and forgive us when we ask Him to.  What a gift it was for both Daddy and I to be there with you and be part of that conversation.  Now we can look forward with great joy to the baptism ceremony in just a few weeks!

All my love,
Mama

Luke 15:10 "In the same way, there is joy in the presence of God's angels

when even one sinner repents."

Sometimes Life Just Happens

Let me give you a little back story…..

We had just had such a wonderful Christmas, and then Cameron got hit with a stomach bug that seemed to be going around everywhere.  We survived and made the trip home from Abilene, but for quite a while afterward I was feeling a little off.  So I finally made an appointment to see a general family doctor close to my office.  I was very concerned that I might have a lingering virus or stomach ulcer or something that was brought on by stress.  The doctor told me he needed to run a whole bunch of tests to rule out things, so I left all the samples and headed home.  Then as I was getting on the highway, my doctor called me and asked if I could turn around and come back.  He said he meant to talk with me before I had left.  I was a little alarmed but I headed right back there.  He immediately told me that one of my test results was already in and he didn't want to give me the news over the phone while I was driving.

I had a positive pregnancy test.

And I immediately said, "That's not possible, my husband had a vasectomy in March!"

He assured me that it was possible, but that he would do another blood test and give me the results the following Monday.  Well, thanks for the setting me up for a horribly worrisome weekend Doc!  Because not only did I have to freak out about the possibility but I had to go home and tell my husband…

And you can imagine why that conversation was not possibly going to go well.  Let's just say that Bo went back to his doctor five days later to have a test run that confirmed that his vasectomy GREW BACK TOGETHER.  He had a test 6 weeks after the initial procedure that confirmed it had worked, and just 6 months later, it had miraculously reversed itself.  The doctor told Bo that he was the 4th patient that this had happened to in the last 26 years.  So as much as we were not thrilled that Bo has such miraculous super genes, at least I could say that there was no doubt that this was a miracle that God had to ordain for our family.

But here is the problem.  After Rhys was born with so many problems, our doctor made a strong recommendation that we not have any more children.  So we took that as a clear sign that our family was finished with babies and we were perfectly happy to cherish our two.  We had a garage sale last October and cleared out all the baby toys and little tiny clothes, and I happily gave away or sold every scrap of maternity clothing that I owned.  We mentally closed that chapter of our lives and were making lots of plans for 2014.

Cameron would start Kindergarten and our daycare bill would be gloriously cut in half.  We were going to take a fabulous summer trip for our 10 year anniversary.  Rhys would hopefully be out of diapers by the end of this year and we would be rid of them forever!  And now we are starting all over…

Selfishly, Bo and I both thought of all the reasons why we didn't want God to change all our plans.  This is going to change a lot of things financially and logistically for us.  (I can't drive my Toyota Camry with three car seats in the back!)  And I will admit that I didn't know if I could handle the emotional roller coaster of another baby born with a myriad of health issues caused by my own blood. For an explanation of why my antibodies are a problem for this baby, this is a really good site that explains the condition.  But God is softening our hearts and showing us that trusting his plan for our family can't have self-imposed limits.  We cannot be afraid to open our hearts and love a baby that may be sick for the first few months of its life, or may be at risk to not even survive past delivery.

I have already been seeing my regular OB that delivered both Rhys and Cameron, as well as a maternal fetal medicine specialist who are regularly monitoring my blood levels (which are already increasing in levels related to those antibodies).  For now we are praying for as uneventful of a pregnancy as possible, and my doctors say the magic number is try and make it to 35 weeks so we can do a C-section.  We are sharing the news so that we can ask for your prayers for our family and this sweet little miracle.

Here he or she was the day before Valentine's Day…

We are now fourteen weeks along and are slowly getting over the shock.  We are so touched by the joy and support that our family and friends have shown us.  We are very blessed to have a network of love and prayers working on our behalf already to petition the Lord for this baby.

This is the scripture that is written on our bathroom mirror as a reminder to be thankful in all circumstances for this blessing:

Psalm 127: 3-5 "Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.  Children born to a young man are like arrows in a warriors hands.  How joyful is the man whose quiver is full of them!"

Party of Two

Cameron & Rhys,

I am so proud of the way that you two are becoming such good friends.  You love to laugh at one another being silly, you are kind and share things, and you seem to understand each other so well.  Cameron is still memorizing lots of books rather than really reading the words, but that doesn't stop her from sitting down and "reading" them to Rhys.  I absolutely love when he brings a little board book to me and backs himself right up and sits in my lap.  He will happily let you read 4 or 5 books in a row before bed every night if you let him.  His continual favorites are Busy Chickens, Little Blue Truck, and Chugga-Chugga Choo Choo. (Apparently he and Grammy have the same taste in books since she bought them all for him!)

Bathtime is occasionally a rushed thing, but it brings my heart joy when these two sweethearts manage to fit together in our little tub and play together.  Rhys loves his submarine and turtle bath toys, and Cameron is actually pretty good and washing his hair for him, so it's a win-win!  It is quite a challenge to get Rhys to actually get out when he is done… I make the mistake of asking him if he wants to get "up" (since he calls everything up rather than down or out) and he always sweetly replies no.

Cameron thinks she is also Rhys' personal speech therapist.  She practices words with him all the time!  He has gotten pretty good at saying "Sissy" but Cameron is too hard.  He has his own little sounds for a  lot of things like pizza, cheerios, and even dinosaur.  I guess we are in the phase where we can interpret things and explain them to everybody else.  :)

I am so grateful for both of you and your sweet spirits.  Thank you for filling our home with laughter and joy.  In the words of the beautiful Psalms, "My cup runneth over."

Love,
Mama

Happy Halloween 2013

This year, we decided to go all out for our Halloween costumes!  Cameron made the executive decision that she and Rhys should have coordinating costumes, so she was Jessie and he was Woody from Toy Story.  (I secretly wished that Bo would be Buzz Lightyear, but we couldn't convince him…)

 Cameron's sweet friend Hallee threw a party for some of our friends at her house, so we had an extra chance to wear their cute outfits.  Hallee loves to play dress up any day of the year!

All the kiddos - Cuteness overload

Here is Mommy in full Snow White mode.  The wig was tough to wear all day, but we were having an office costume contest!  Rhys and Cameron actually liked it when I surprised them at school like this!

Some of my crazy co-workers all dressed up!

Here we are at the end of the night, all worn out!  Not many trick-or-treaters in our neighborhood, but we had a great time anyway.  I would say Halloween 2013 was a success!

Summer Lovin'

Ten Months To Be Thankful For

Rhys My Love,
Here are my ten favorite things about you now that you are 10 months old!

1.  You are so busy!  You are standing and moving around all the time.  You have even tested out the waters with standing all by yourself even though I am not trying to hurry you into walking...

2.  Tickle fights.  You have the sweetest giggle.

3.  You love your big sister.  You laugh at all her silly noises and love to watch her play.  You are going to be chasing her soon.

4.  You are still a big thing in a little package.  You are now in the 3rd percentile for height and weight, but the doc says you are as smart as can be!

5.  Dada is your favorite, but I am working to get back on top.  Every time I say "Mama," you seem to answer with "Dada!"

6.  You are the un-pickiest eater and it makes me so happy.  You will try anything and pretty much finish whatever we give you.  You are a pro now at feeding yourself cheerios and holding your own bottles.

7.  No separation anxiety for you.  You seem to be fine with babysitters, going to daycare, and staying with family.  You smile at strangers and are a very friendly gentleman!

8.  Your hair is getting long enough to show off your curls.  I don't think I can bear to cut them even though they are a little crazy sometimes....

9.  Changing your diaper is like wrestling an alligator now.  But it makes me thankful that you are growing up to be feisty and strong!

10.  Did I mention that you are seriously handsome? (wink, wink)

Love,

Mama

Pictures of Days Gone By

Chomping on a toy before his two teeth arrived...

Mommy & Daddy on her 31st birthday!

Sweet Cameron in her soccer jersey

Cuddly bear Rhys Man

Easter Sunday with all the girls at Grammy's house

Happy to be out egg hunting in the warm weather!

My silly dinner date

Fun with Hattie & Ainslee

The greatest gift I can give

Cam and Rhys,
This may not be something you understand for a long time, but marriage is hard work.  Recently at the Academy Awards, an actor thanked his wife in his acceptance speech and said, "It is work, but it's the best kind of work, and there is no one I would rather work with."  People were shocked and started to question the state of their marriage, but I was honestly touched and amazed that he would acknowledge such a simple but powerful truth.

Lately your daddy and I have been talking alot about the work we are doing together.  It is easy enough with one child to focus your attentions on parenting, your jobs, your home, your hobbies... Anything but each other.  You can easily start to get into a pattern where you co-exist and share responsibilities, but you aren't sharing your life and love for one another.  A comedian I like jokingly said it this way... "You become partners in this horrible not-for-profit enterprise and then you create the worst roommates on the planet."

I wouldn't trade you for anything and would never want you to feel that I am complaining about you.  But please understand that kids change everything.  You wonder where half of your money goes every month.  You live in a never-ending cycle of laundry and dishes.  You are already exhausted by 8:30 when the kids go to bed, but that is the time when your chores START and your free time to do grown-up things is possible.  Just the thought of a full eight hours of sleep sounds like a magical fantasy.

So for me, the cycle goes like this: I get tired, I get cranky, I get ungrateful and I get mean.  Your daddy has had to patiently put up with me.  He works hard and puts in more hours than I might like, but he certainly doesn't want to come home and have to listen to my complaints about it.  I can't expect him to want to do romantic things for me when I can't even be appreciative when he takes out the trash!

About a month ago, we had a hard talk and acknowledged that we hadn't been working at it.  That we were both keeping tabs on the things that we were doing right and the other person was doing wrong.  That we were both so tired and frustrated that the best solution was just to throw it all aside and start over.  And even though we aren't perfect, we understand that it can be all too easy to NOT put in the work and let your marriage fall apart.

A friend confided in me that they are sleeping in another room and basically just keeping up appearances for their child.  Another friend went through a period of separation and then eventually filed for divorce.  They told me how they are managing splitting time between two homes now.  I cried when I heard about both of them.  And I said to myself, I don't want to end up there and I see how easily I could.

What I am trying to say is that the greatest gift I can give to you, my darlings, is for me to love your father well.  Not only to avoid doing bad things in front of you, but for you to see kindness and forgiveness in your own home. To have a sense of security and comfort in knowing that no matter what comes, we will always be a family.  You have an amazing Daddy, full of laughter and kindness and dependability.  And I want to show you how to love him every day, even if I feel like I don't LIKE him today.  I am lucky to be married to my best friend, and i want to live like it.

All my love,
Mama

If I don't say it enough....

My beautiful Cameron,

If I don't say it enough, you are growing into such a wonderful young lady.  You have started to see what it is like to have some independence and have challenges.  You have made new friends and shown yourself to have an open and giving heart.  You have started to see the consequences of the choices that you make, and you are quick to rebound and ask for forgiveness.  If I don't say it enough, we discipline you because we love you and want you to continue to become a girl that reflects God's love. 

 You are a generous big sister, quick to offer a distraction to your brother when Mommy is trying to finish a task around the house.  You love to see his big smile when you use your funny voice or dance around.  He gazes at you with wonder and love in his eyes.  My heart just melted when I snuck around the corner just the other day and  you were sitting in your brother's room showing him books and making him laugh.  I want to treasure these days before he is on the move and will inevitably be invading "your space" and taking off with your things.  If I don't say it enough, thank you for loving our family and being such a big helper.  You have a desire to please and honor us and I hope you know how grateful we are for you.

Your daddy has been so proud of you and your growing interest in sports.  After he went to a coaching conference in College Station, he brought you back your first cheerleader uniform.  You are still a bit of a fairweather fan for most things, just waiting to see who Daddy roots for and then joining in.  But he took you to a few basketball games this past month and said you were absolutely adorable with your passionate cheering.  At one point you yelled to the opposing team, "San Marcos, DON'T DO GOOD!"  He said he was happy to have a buddy to go with and that the real cheerleaders were quite taken with you.  So much for his efforts to show you the perks of actually playing sports... You were pretty excited about the possibility of just cheering!

But you are a strong athlete and quick learner!  You started gymnastics about a month ago and are doing great.  You are great at following instructions and you try not to take shortcuts.  Your teacher was impressed with your quick progression and said you will be fine to promote up to the next age group soon.  We just want you to have fun and be confident that you are capable doing things that may be different or even scary at first.  If I don't say it enough, you should keep your body healthy and be proud that God loves you just the way you are, a brilliant girl who can take on anything you want.

Not only that, but you are branching out into soccer too!  Our sweet friends the Davis family have organized a Wednesday group for a bunch of kids around your age that meets in their neighborhood park.  Most weeks you do fun practice drills and work on basic ball-handling skills, but you did have a few "scrimmages" where you were divided into teams and actually kept score.  It was a bit of a free-for-all, but you had a great time.  You actually scored 3 goals for your own team and 1 for the other team too!  My favorite part is when you had scored the first goal of the game and then another little boy from the other team scored.  You told him that he should be on your team, like you were forming a strategic alliance!  What a big thinker you are.  :)

 If I don't say it enough, I will try to do a better job.  We love, love, love you and are so lucky to be your family.  Thanks for being my best girl.

Hugs and Kisses,
Mama

Happy Halloween!

I wish Halloween was set to always fall on a weekend night, but I guess we are not late night partiers anymore! We still had fun even though the evening wasn't what I had planned...
For starters, your brother slept through the whole thing. He never even saw his glow-in-the-dark skeleton outfit! At least I got a picture of the cute outfits you wore to school.

The bad news was that Daddy came home from school with some kind of stomach bug, so he rested while you and I made a fast trip down our block for trick-or-treating. I gotta say that some of the other kids' manners were just terrible. I was very proud that you thanked everyone who gave you candy and you gave lots of compliments on decorations and costumes.

You made a beautiful Princess Merida! You were very excited to wear the tiara and jewelry and the best part is that we can play dressup with it anytime you want.
I loved getting to see you so excited. When you were waiting on people's doorsteps, you would turn around and nod and give me a huge smile. Thanks for being so much fun this Halloween!

Have I told you lately that you are my best girl?
Mama loves you.

Tired of Me

Cameron,
It was a very long week with you being sick.  You wore me down and watched WAY too much television, which meant that I was subjected to every episode of Dora the Explorer that we could find. And as much as it embarrasses me to tell everyone this, I am gonna do it anyway.

You had been complaining that your tummy was hurting, so we tried two different kinds of medicine and thought it had done the trick.  Then you started coughing, so we got some cough medicine and figured it would go away.  Then you started running a low grade fever which would go away once you had some ibuprofen.  And after all that, I still didn't think you were terribly sick.  I kept you home from school because of the fever, but I was really exhausted having you and your brother to take care of all day.

Then your daddy asked how long your cough had been going on... I said maybe 4 or 5 days, but you sounded like it was productive and weren't acting like you felt awful.  He thought he would ask our dear Dr. Keith just to be sure... And when he described the symptoms, Keith said it could be something more serious than just a cough and that we should get you in to see a doctor.  He even mentioned that he had seen a bunch of cases of walking pneumonia.  So Daddy loaded you up on Tuesday night and took you to the walk-in pediatric clinic.

And sure enough, you were diagnosed with walking pneumonia.  I felt so terrible.  Even though my friends reassured me afterwards that they wouldn't have been freaked out by your symptoms either, I still had some mommy guilt working on me big time.  Apparently since your brother came along, you are just left to fend for yourself!  Ugh.  I was so thankful that your daddy took the time to analyze the situation better than me.  Thankfully it didn't go on too long and make you even more sick.

So the doctor gave you a strong antibiotic and said you should follow up with our regular pediatrician in 2 days.  Then you had to get a nebulizer treatment (mercifully short) and use an inhaler for the next week or so until your cough went away.  You weren't too keen on the idea but we had many conversations about how medicine isn't going to taste good or be wonderful, but we just do it fast and get it over with.

I knew the week had been wearing on you as well when you had a bit of a meltdown on Thursday night.  Daddy has been coming home late because of football and you looked at me with big teary eyes and said, "I miss Daddy!" I said I do too.  Then you said, "I'm tired of you!"  And thankfully I held my tongue and didn't say that I was tired of you too.... I just said, "I know."  I just keep reminding myself that we made it through football season last year and we can do it again.  Certainly with the help of medicine and Dora on TV.

Love,
Mama

A Week Gone By in a Blur

Rhys,
Thank you for being such a patient boy and a good traveler.  I will admit that I was very nervous about our trip to Houston but you made it as easy as could be.  We were so thankful that the fabulous Pool family offered to let Cam stay with them Sunday night and take her to school on Monday, so she had a great time and didn't miss us too much.  We headed out Sunday afternoon and were staying in a hotel very close to the hospital since our appointment was at 8:00 Monday morning.  The Pools even took care of our hotel room with Levi's travel rewards, so we were super grateful!

We got to have a nice dinner with your Aunt Amy (in between her crazy work travels) and Uncle Mina since they have just moved to Humble.  Hopefully on a future visit we can go see their new house, but it was just too far to fight traffic for our doctor.  The next morning, we made it to our appointment right on time, and the hospital was very nice!  Texas Children's Hospital is very modern with bright colors everywhere and was really easy to navigate. The check-in process was simple and we really liked meeting Dr. Carter.  She was pleased to see that you were bigger and healthier (less of a Yoda-green color), but of course she wanted to run more tests.  The one funny note is that Daddy had taken a picture of one of your poopy diapers a few days earlier, thinking that the doctors would want to see the change in color/texture that indicates your liver is processing more bilirubin out.  (Gross, I know!)  He and I laughed so hard when he asked the doctor if she wanted to see it and she said, "Sure!"  You got lots of praise for your poop, dude.  Good thing we didn't actually put a wager on it.

You had to have blood drawn there at the hospital but because you are so little, they can only draw a certain amount per day, so we were sent home with more orders for tests.  Dr. Carter seemed to be in agreement with the measures our doctors here were taking, but still said a biopsy of your liver could only be completely ruled out if your liver enzymes drop into a low/normal range and your bilirubin gets down close to zero.  If our best estimates are correct, your antibodies will be dying off soon and most of these issues will start to correct themselves.  I was at least pleased to hear her say that the radiologists actually do liver biopsies there with ultrasound so they can be sure to hit the exact right spot and that it is a tiny needle procedure.  They do them very frequently and would be our first choice if we did have to go that route.

We headed home that afternoon and you were so exhausted that you slept almost the entire time.  We had one brief stop to feed you, and Daddy has learned that hotels make the best places for pit stops.  They usually have a very clean bathroom near the lobby with a changing station for you, plus they have really hot water near their coffee pots to warm up your bottle.  Much nicer than a gas station, plus there are comfy chairs to sit in while you eat.  Hotel employees are very understanding and it helps that you are cute.

Tuesday we had to be up early to get Cam to school so we could make it home in time for our carpet cleaning appointment.  I booked it about three months ago hoping to have it done before your arrival, but they were only available this week.  It was hilarious to see all the stuff piled up in other places so that the carpet would all be visible.  We still haven't put it all back to normal, but hey, the carpets don't smell like Joe Dog.  They did a good job and gave me a nice deal on some extras since I was holding such a sweet tiny baby in my arms.

Wednesday I had a tremendous victory in that I made it out of the house again in the morning to take Cam to school and I even managed to get a haircut that afternoon.  I have decided it is ridiculous to try and spend an hour drying and straightening my hair, so I cut off about two inches and just plan on leaving it curly for a while.  Some days I might not even have five minutes and it will just stay in a ponytail.  You don't seem very concerned about it.

Thursday we headed back to the hospital to have more blood drawn for tests.  Since we were headed back to the same hospital you stayed at, we dropped by the NICU to say hi to the nurses and just barely missed Dr. Ahmad.  He would have been proud to see what a good patient you have been to everyone. But then that meant that Friday, I was too exhausted to bother even taking Cameron to school.  We slept in a little, made it to Target before lunch and even got Cameron a little present from the dollar section since she has been such a good helper.  My brilliant afternoon plan was to go to our neighborhood park with you tied onto me with my Moby Wrap.  It is just a stretchy fabric that you wrap all around you, and it was super comfortable... until we were out in the hundred degree heat pushing your sister in a stroller.  Might think twice about doing that again!

This week was tough because Daddy had to go back to school full-time and was working 12 hour days.  With football practice after school, he was getting home around 7:30 each night, which only left one hour for Cameron to see him when she was awake.  She was really missing her daddy, and I know it was tough for her since I couldn't give her my full attention when you was awake.  It fell to me to get her to and from school each day, which meant the staff at her school saw me looking like a bag lady!  And with you on a four-hour eating schedule, not a whole lot got done.  Sometimes it can take you up to 45 minutes to finish a bottle and then I have to take care of my stuff afterwards.  I often look up after you have gone down for a nap and realize that we have to start all over again in 2 hours.  Hmmm, do I shower or do laundry or sleep?  Not much time for anything else.  Makes me really appreciate those moms that stay home and do this all the time!

And since it took me a full week to write this blog, I think I am going to maximize the time I have right now!  Still loving you with our whole hearts.

Mama

Discharge Day

Yesterday when I got the call from your doctor at 12:00, they told me that your bilirubin was down to 5.3 and that you were going to go home!  I was hanging around the house since I wasn't sure what our plans should be, but I had to get busy packing up all your things.  We had barely gotten your car seat installed the night before.  But yet again, you never seem to do things the ordinary way, so we didn't exactly follow my imaginary schedule.

The one hurdle that I wish we would have taken care of earlier was your circumcision.  We had to wait to have it done when your blood counts were back in a high range, so we were told that a doctor would come by and take care of you on her regular rounds, probably in the late afternoon.  She apparently covers five hospitals, so we had to just wait.  I got to listen to a horrific list of possible side effects and found out more than I ever wanted to know about it.

So here's how our day progressed:

12:00  Got the call, texted Daddy with the good news!  He was stuck at a meeting for school and was so excited.  Started gathering up all our stuff just in case we were there for a little while.

1:00  Got a call from our favorite nurse Laura that they were working on getting all your prescriptions set up and that I needed to go find a special baby vitamin for you.  Apparently it is over the counter, but the three places I tried all had to special order it.  It was quite an ordeal that eventually required the hospital to have some delivered for us.

2:00  Got a heavenly message from Aunt Kara saying she would take care of your big sister and pick her up from school so we didn't have to worry about making it there by 6:00.  Boy was that a huge help!  Dropped off her car seat at their house and kept going.

2:30  Got a call from the coordinator for the doctor in Houston so we could set up your appointment.  We didn't have much choice in the time, so we have to be there on Monday the 27th at 8:00 am!  That should be a fun morning of traffic with school starting then too.

3:00  Finally made it to the hospital and started a long process of paperwork and phone calls to other doctors.  In just a few hours, you had five doctors appointments scheduled for the next five weeks.  We will be seeing our pediatrician, the GI doctor, the hematologist, the liver specialist, and a developmental pediatrician just to get you registered in their system for any future needs.  Your social calendar is already very busy, my man!

4:00  Dr. Ahmad headed out for the day and came to wish us well and give me a hug.  He said he wanted us to email and follow up so he would know how you were doing, but that he hoped he didn't see us again.  I told him how much we appreciated all he had done but that we felt the same!

5:00  Dad arrived and wondered why you still hadn't "had your pencil sharpened" as Nurse Laura called it.  He also was surprised to see that they had moved your bed into a tiny corner so they could make room for a set of twins, so we were up close and personal with another little boy that was born the day before.  We got more lessons on the special measurements we need to use to mix your formula/milk concoction and all your medicines.  It seems less daunting looking back on it, but at the time I was a bit overwhelmed!

6:00  Still no doctor, so we left to grab something to eat and pick up a few supplies that we would need at home.  I wanted to make sure we got to tell Nurse Laura goodbye, and we were hoping you would be finished with your procedure when we made it back at....

7:00  But you weren't.  She finally arrived to do the circumcision at 7:30 and said that she had no idea we were waiting on her to be discharged, so she apologized for not coming there first.  (Nice, but not much help to us now!)  So we waited some more.

8:00  You were done and were due to eat, but you screamed more than I have ever heard you scream in your whole life.  Maybe combined.  It was such a surprise since they told us you would have lots of numbing meds and might not feel much until hours later.  You fussed and wouldn't eat your bottle, so it took over an hour and a half before we gave up.  The nurse told us that as soon as you had successfully peed that we could go home....

But that didn't happen at 9:00.

Or 10:00.  We joked about buying you a clean urine sample so you could pass this one test...  We talked with the new parents that we were still cramping.  We were practically falling asleep in our chairs as we held you and prayed that you would just go!

Finally at 11:00, we whooped and hollered in victory as the nurse confirmed you had a wet diaper.  All my thoughts of us posing for a nice picture on our way out of the hospital were tossed out.  We just wanted to pack up all your stuff and get out!  But we were surprised by how tiny you looked in your car seat and Daddy was so nervous about making sure you were buckled in tight.

And then we got home and it was time for you eat again....

Still loving you,
Your tired Mama

With Baited Breath

Little Lamb,
We are trying not to get too excited and hang all our hopes on tomorrow, but your doctors have mentioned that if your bilirubin continues to go down as it has this week, then there is a chance that you might get to come home.  Like to our house.  And your own room, where there are no beeping machines and other crying babies.  After almost a month of life in the NICU, we are waiting with baited breath to see if you get to come home.

Tonight we went out to dinner since I didn't feel like cooking and your daddy said that we might not be a threesome again after tonight. :)  We probably won't be going many places after you are here, so it was a nice casual night out before we hunker down in "baby jail" as your Uncle Chad likes to call it.  We have had lots of friends offer to bring us dinners and we will happily take them up on the offer soon.  With all the chaos of going back and forth to the hospital, we thought it would be easier to wait until we were home for good to start the meals, but they will be greatly appreciated.

We also have been cautiously trying to make sure that things will be ready for you if tomorrow is the big day.  Daddy fought valiantly with the car seat base to get it installed in my little SUV (sorry to any future passengers, the seat is almost all the way up!) and will probably add the extra base to his tomorrow too.  I stocked up on groceries tonight after everyone else went to bed because I figured I couldn't sleep anyway.  I even took a special outfit to the hospital tonight so you can wear it home.  It's a onesie that says "little brother" and a tiny pair of navy pants.  It is funny to me that you are almost a month old and you have never worn anything other than a simple onesie!

On the logistical side of things with your doctors, we have had to think ahead about getting a few things for you, including prescriptions.  You are now on a very special (meaning very expensive) formula called Elecare which has a unique way of breaking down the fats in the bloodstream rather than going through your liver, so it is supposed to give your overworked liver a bit of a break.  Unfortunately, you are not crazy about taste even though they are mixing it 2/3 formula and 1/3 milk.  Apparently today they brought in the vanilla version of the formula and you seem to be doing a bit better with it.  I hope it does its job because it is over $50 a can and we had to have a prescription just to get it.  We are praying our insurance will cover at least some of the cost since you may be on it for a while.

I also had a worrisome thought about when you are home.  You have only eaten out of the hospital's bottles, so I figured I would take the ones I have and let you try them out just in case.  The nurses will be feeding you with them tonight and we will see how you do.  I just didn't want you to get home and decide that you hate them and then we are frantically rushing to get something else.  Maybe you will be easygoing like your sister was when she was a baby...  Just go with it, Rhys!

It's an odd feeling bringing home a baby from the NICU.  I imagined before you were born that we would be confident in bringing you home right away because we are no longer those nervous first-time parents.  But I still think of you as tiny and fragile, and I feel like we are back at square one, just as nervous and unsure of myself as I was almost four years ago with Cameron.  It will be a strange new thing just to walk around with you since you have been hooked up to monitors this entire time!

We have been waiting for these past three weeks to bring you home and now the thought of it is equally exciting and nervewracking.  We will have a lot to manage with your doctor appointments and medicines and special mixtures for every bottle.  But we are so thankful that you are still fighting, still growing, still so tender and sweet each day.  We cannot wait to shower you with snuggles and kisses in our own house.  So we will see tomorrow.

Mama needs to go to bed!  Love you.

All the Wrong Noises

Rhys,
Mommy was thinking the other night about what your life has been like so far.  You have seen dozens of nurses, mostly in 12 hour spans.  You have seen Mommy and Daddy every day, but we wish it was for more than a few hours at a time.  You have been moved from one section of the NICU to another, but your view is pretty boring.  And you certainly have some noisy neighbors!

There are machines constantly beeping.  There are lights on no matter what time of day it is.  You have had tubes and needles put in and removed, only to have them brought back a few days later.  You have never been held in a sling, a car seat, or even snuggled close for more than a little while.  We don't even know if you like to swing or sit in a bouncer.  You have never taken a nap with Daddy on the couch.  You have never nursed with Mommy in our big bed.

We visit you in the hospital every day and sometimes late at night, but when we come home, there are no noises.  There are no hungry cries waking me up, just my alarm angrily beeping when I have to pump your milk again.  The door to your room is shut since it is clean and waiting for you, and we are trying to keep the dogs out of there.  Your books and toys are probably going to collect dust before you ever come home to see them.

But we are still dreaming big dreams for you.  I smile when people tell me that you will grow up to be so handsome.  Your birth weight was 6 lbs 2 oz, but I dream that you will be even taller than Daddy and eventually be 6 foot 2 inches!  I picture you on the golf course with those same skinny legs that Daddy has, enjoying his patient teaching.  I picture us on family vacations where we fit perfectly into a booth for four.  We will keep on dreaming big dreams, and ignore all the unwanted noises.

Here are the scriptures that Daddy has read or prayed over you every day, my little angel:

Psalm 139: 13-18 "You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother's womb.  Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!  Your workmanship is marvelous - how well I know it.  You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.  You saw me before I was born.  Every day of my life was recorded in your book.  Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.  How precious are your thoughts about me, O God.  They cannot be numbered!  I can't even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand!  And when I wake up, you are still with me!"

James 5:13-16  "Are any of you suffering hardships?  You should pray.  Are any of you happy?  You should sing praises.  Are any of you sick?  You should call for the elders of the church to come and pray over you, anointing you with oil in the name of the Lord.  Such a prayer offered in faith will heal the sick, and the Lord will make you well.  And if you have committed any sins, you will be forgiven.  Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.  The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results."

Come Home to Me, My Angel

Little Bear,
We have had an emotional past few days and are starting to feel the wear of being pulled in many different directions.  Your daddy has been home with me since this is his last week of time off before football starts on Monday, and I am thankful that he has faithfully taken care of shuttling Cameron and I all the places we need to go, while still keeping the house clean and watching over our finances.  We have certainly eaten a lot of meals on the go lately, but we have lots of casseroles waiting in the freezer from your sweet Aunt Rachael.

Just a few days ago, we were so excited about your progress.  Your color certainly looks so much better, and you seemed to be more alert and awake for feedings.  You got to meet Mrs. Kim from Mommy's office, and she loved holding you so much that she probably would have stayed all day if we would have let her!  Maybe you have a thing for dark hair because you just watched her so intently, like you were taking in our whole conversation.  She gushed over how sweet and handsome you are, and I was in complete agreement.  :)

Most of your test results have been positive, with your direct bilirubin count down to about an 8, which is half of what it was a week ago.  Your doctors keep telling us that your liver is working hard to get it out of your system and that you just need more time.  But we were quietly getting excited about the possibility of you coming home soon, even though no doctor had even brought it up.  Daddy was determined to have your whole side of the house clean and ready for you, and we even bought an extra cushion to put in your carseat that will fit more snugly around you since you are still so small.  Your new crib sheets even arrived yesterday, so your room is all ready for you.  Here are a few pics of all your cute things:

Your special blanket made by Grammy with your cute monogram

We just love seeing your name and thinking of you!

Lots of books and toys for when you are bigger and ready to play!

Your cute whale was painted by my cousin Brittney, and you will hopeful like to swing like Cameron did.

Your fun mobile will hopefully distract you during diaper changes, little wiggle worm.

Unfortunately, we got a call yesterday (Thursday) from a new doctor that will be assigned to you for the next week or so.  He saw you for the first time on Wednesday and called to give us an update on where he thought the next few days were headed.  Since he was the first doctor to ever call me, we were a little worried and were only about 5 minutes away from the hospital, so we waited to discuss things in person.  He told us that he was starting a whole new round of tests for your liver, your blood counts and that you would be getting another blood transfusion that day.  Though you had been progressing in a good way, he wanted to rule out as many things as possible that might be causing your body to still be fighting off bilirubin and destroying red blood cells.  They even want to do an MRI of your brain to make sure that the bilirubin didn't cross over the blood-brain barrier (which is a very longshot and the test was ordered in your first days in the NICU and just hasn't been done yet).  It was just a big blow when we were secretly hoping to hear good news.

I can tell that your daddy was just devastated, and I just kept trying to tell myself that you were born at just the right time, so we should trust that God has all your days planned in accordance with his purposes.  I broke down on on Wednesday night after an exhausting day of running around and worrying over my work maternity policy paperwork.  My doctor's office charged me $25 to have a doctor's stamp put on it (not even his real signature since he is on vacation) and initially told me it would take up to 10 days to get it back.  Ridiculous.  Of course I am anxious to make sure that I get a paycheck sometime soon and had just let myself get too tired and crabby.  Your daddy was very thankful that our sweet friend Kara let Cameron hang out at their house for the evening so we could be with you at the hospital and she helped me cry and vent for a little while when we were all back home.

Today, I am resting at home while Daddy took Joe Dog to the vet.  He has had a suspicious limp and needed a checkup this month anyway.  Your big sister got to have a slumber party with our wonderful friends, the Gilbreaths, and we are greatly looking forward to Grammy coming back to stay with us tonight for a few more days.  I am anxious to head up the hospital again to see you soon.  We miss you so much and are thankful for every sleepy smile, every tiny finger and toe, and every snuggle we get to share with you.

Love,
Mama

The Days Go By....

Hello my handsome,
The last few days have been an exercise in patience for Mommy and Daddy.  Friday morning I was surprised to hear that I was being discharged from the hospital.  I was hoping they might give me an extra day of grace so I could be closer to you, but apparently every room in the post partum area was full and there were more mommies waiting in labor & delivery, so they really needed us to move out.  We were fortunate to have friends that have navigated the NICU experience before us, and they suggested that we ask about "rooming in" where we basically pay for a room just so we can cut out the commute from home.  The nurses told us about a Family Room that they have at the NICU entrance, which was actually free for us to use and is made available on a greatest need basis.  So we packed up and headed out of our room at 11:00 and moved in to the NICU.

To be honest, the daytime hours passed pretty easily.  We weren't able to nap much since it only had a twin bed and a recliner but it did make it simple to pump your milk and just walk it 10 feet to the nurses.  The real struggle was when we tried to sleep later that evening.  We were excited to be able to hold you more and hear that your tests were indicating improvement, but by the end of the day were were just exhausted.  Daddy was happy to sleep on the twin bed since he had been crashing on the futon for the previous two nights.  I did not fare so well in the recliner.  So the next morning, we were feeling a little down and had gotten a bit of a discouraging report from one of your doctors.  There are certainly lots of doctors who have talked with us about your stats (and most of the time I can't remember their names) but some of them are better about putting things in terms we understand and giving us a positive outlook.  Thankfully, we have our sweet friend Dr. Keith who has served as a bit of a translator and encourager when we are confused by the numbers or unsure of certain procedures.  He told us again that you just need time to work things out of your system, but that you are still making great progress eating and gaining weight, so we should not be worried about each little test.  Your overall demeanor is great and we will be happy to wait for each day's changes, even if they are small.

Fortunately, we took the advice of one of your best nurses and we gave ourselves a break on Saturday to head home for a bit.  I was desperate to take a shower and sleep in a real bed for a while.  We were so excited to hear that your Grandpa and Gigi made a special trip from Abilene just to come see you and Cameron.  They brought you a ton of cute outfits and an adorable pair of Sperry's just like Daddy wears.  He was so excited for you to be matching boys!  They also brought you presents from our friends Charles & Judy as well as your Gigi's parents and sister.  You got your first Under Armour outfit, some fun toys and bath towels, and tons of comfy onesies and jammies.  You are going to be so handsome!

Cameron was very excited to have a little time to just focus on her since Grandpa & Gigi brought her a present too.  She got her very first Barbies and a swimming pool for them!  She even got two new necklaces from Daddy since he felt like she hadn't had a lot of time with him lately.  One was a tiny heart with rhinestones all over it (her fancy big sister necklace) and then he got a silly one with a rainbow striped mustache on it.  Cameron thought they were very special and wore the one with the heart right away.  We have been very proud of her for being patient when we have not been home with her much lately.

We know that feeling refreshed and relieved will help us be more attentive and focused on taking the best care of you, so I am going to get a bit more rest and write more later.  We had a very special date that I want to make sure I don't forget.

Love you,
Mama

Cameron's Room Makeover

In preparation for the baby's room, we knew that we were going to rearranging lots of furniture and that Cameron's room needed an update.  She has had her big girl bed for quite a while, but the paint on her walls still matched her crib bedding!  Thankfully Daddy is a very neat painter and he finished it with out any help from very pregnant Mommy!

Here are the pictures when it was looking fabulous and finished!  The paint on your walls is actually a very soft lime green and I love the way it turned out.  Doesn't photograph perfectly, but trust me.

This dresser had to repainted from red to white when it left our bedroom.  Daddy is awesome!

You loved the sparkly mirror with all your dress up clothes easy to access!

This picture used to hang in Mommy's old office, but I think it will be appropriate for avoiding future girl drama.  And I love your bird bedding!

Daddy actually took apart your whole closet to repaint the shelves white and freshen things up.  He also built you a new shelf to hold all your cute shoes!

Oh Baby!

It has been so long since I posted on this blog, I actually had to go back and reread the last post just to remember where I left off. But the phrase that I am telling myself is, "Sometimes you have to live life first and blog about it later." So here goes with the abridged version of life in the past four months....

When I left my full-time job, we were initially scared and thought that we would put some plans on hold until we felt like we were back in control. God apparently laughed at us and said, "whatever." He knew that we would probably think it was crazy timing, but we got pregnant anyway. So in mid-December, I thought I had better get myself to a doctor and find out just how far along we were before we started spreading the news. Surprisingly, we were seven weeks pregnant and it will probably feel like an entire year before this kid arrives, but we were still excited to share our joy with our families at Christmas. Sweet Cameron got her first "Big Sister" shirt and ambushed Grammy, who promptly squealed and said, "REALLY?!?!?"

I was also offered a full-time job at the tax consulting firm, which I could only take in good conscience by telling them that they were getting a package deal. My boss was the first person I told other than Bo! He was so kind and encouraging, saying that it would work out perfectly and he was thrilled for me. Thank the Lord that he sent me to this company just when I needed it the most. Though it would mean that I could no longer do part time work for the other ministry, I felt like it was the right thing for our family and they very graciously understood (and only briefly made me feel bad for abandoning them so soon after jumping in!)

Right away in January, I started to work at JJC full-time, though mostly I was just trying to figure out what was most helpful and trying to learn exactly what they do. It was so amazing to be in an environment that was comfortable talking about our Christian faith, praying and sharing our concerns with one another. Especially in such a stressful business, caring about and seeing each other through Christ's eyes makes a huge difference when people's patience might start to run thin. I loved hearing how much everyone respects and appreciates one another. The Christmas party was like one big love-fest, with each person having more kind and complimentary things to say than I had probably ever heard at any other workplace. Bo even commented that he was so excited for me to be working somewhere like that.

Work business sort of made me forget that I was expecting, other than the nausea and constant exhaustion. I would come home after work and just want to collapse in bed. Fortunately, I didn't really get sick and managed to still make it through most things. But then all of a sudden, some of our very dear friends from church had storms take over their lives. Ian Warshak was in the hospital for almost two entire months and literally came back from the brink of death. Seeing him in the hospital was so scary to me as a wife and mother, and it consumed my thoughts for weeks. How fragile we are. How we are completely invincible one moment and crushed the next. I just couldn't bring myself to celebrate a tiny baby growing in me when so many people I loved were hurting and unsure of what the next day would bring. Another dear family that we love found out that their sweet little boy would have to endure another round of chemo and radiation for the ugly cancer that had reared its head again. And I felt myself doubting that God has good plans. That perhaps He would allow us all to see what it feels like to let the world have its way with us.

All the while, this sweet baby just kept growing and growing. I felt flutters of movement at around 15 weeks, much earlier than I did with Cameron. I think this time I just had a better idea of what I was feeling and was so surprised. The doctor said I was pleasantly normal and unexciting. We opted out of all the genetic testing again because we knew it would make no difference to us. Shortly after, I read a blog about a woman who gave birth to a beautiful daughter and was blindsided with the news that she had down syndrome. One of her nurses told her that she also had a "special child" and that even though she was long since gone, she knew that her daughter's life was a gift. I cried and thanked God for the reminder.

Now I am 21 weeks along, doing great according to my last visit. The doctor is making me wait forever for the sonogram, but next week we should know if Cameron is getting a little brother or little sister (her request from the get-go.) We have been tossing around names but don't feel 100% settled just yet. I did briefly go crazy planning an entire nursery for a little boy, only to have to shelve it all until we know more. I remember thinking with Cameron that we were having a boy, so maybe my senses are just completely off anyway. Why guess? We will be thrilled either way.

Long story short, I don't want the new baby to perhaps look back on these early months and feel ignored. With your first pregnancy, you quickly become obsessed and worried and cannot stop talking about it. This time around, I feel like we will just figure things out when they come, and that I don't have to panic about it all for no reason. I just want to enjoy it.

In fact, tonight Baby and I had a great time listening to music together, and we decided on our official lullaby. With Cameron, I used to sing her "The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face" before she was born, and when she was a tiny baby it would actually calm her down.. This time around, I will be singing lots of this song:



Baby #2, you are loved, you are thought of, you are a gift.

Love, Mama