The greatest gift I can give

Cam and Rhys,
This may not be something you understand for a long time, but marriage is hard work.  Recently at the Academy Awards, an actor thanked his wife in his acceptance speech and said, "It is work, but it's the best kind of work, and there is no one I would rather work with."  People were shocked and started to question the state of their marriage, but I was honestly touched and amazed that he would acknowledge such a simple but powerful truth.

Lately your daddy and I have been talking alot about the work we are doing together.  It is easy enough with one child to focus your attentions on parenting, your jobs, your home, your hobbies... Anything but each other.  You can easily start to get into a pattern where you co-exist and share responsibilities, but you aren't sharing your life and love for one another.  A comedian I like jokingly said it this way... "You become partners in this horrible not-for-profit enterprise and then you create the worst roommates on the planet."

I wouldn't trade you for anything and would never want you to feel that I am complaining about you.  But please understand that kids change everything.  You wonder where half of your money goes every month.  You live in a never-ending cycle of laundry and dishes.  You are already exhausted by 8:30 when the kids go to bed, but that is the time when your chores START and your free time to do grown-up things is possible.  Just the thought of a full eight hours of sleep sounds like a magical fantasy.

So for me, the cycle goes like this: I get tired, I get cranky, I get ungrateful and I get mean.  Your daddy has had to patiently put up with me.  He works hard and puts in more hours than I might like, but he certainly doesn't want to come home and have to listen to my complaints about it.  I can't expect him to want to do romantic things for me when I can't even be appreciative when he takes out the trash!

About a month ago, we had a hard talk and acknowledged that we hadn't been working at it.  That we were both keeping tabs on the things that we were doing right and the other person was doing wrong.  That we were both so tired and frustrated that the best solution was just to throw it all aside and start over.  And even though we aren't perfect, we understand that it can be all too easy to NOT put in the work and let your marriage fall apart.

A friend confided in me that they are sleeping in another room and basically just keeping up appearances for their child.  Another friend went through a period of separation and then eventually filed for divorce.  They told me how they are managing splitting time between two homes now.  I cried when I heard about both of them.  And I said to myself, I don't want to end up there and I see how easily I could.

What I am trying to say is that the greatest gift I can give to you, my darlings, is for me to love your father well.  Not only to avoid doing bad things in front of you, but for you to see kindness and forgiveness in your own home. To have a sense of security and comfort in knowing that no matter what comes, we will always be a family.  You have an amazing Daddy, full of laughter and kindness and dependability.  And I want to show you how to love him every day, even if I feel like I don't LIKE him today.  I am lucky to be married to my best friend, and i want to live like it.

All my love,
Mama