Oh Baby!

It has been so long since I posted on this blog, I actually had to go back and reread the last post just to remember where I left off. But the phrase that I am telling myself is, "Sometimes you have to live life first and blog about it later." So here goes with the abridged version of life in the past four months....

When I left my full-time job, we were initially scared and thought that we would put some plans on hold until we felt like we were back in control. God apparently laughed at us and said, "whatever." He knew that we would probably think it was crazy timing, but we got pregnant anyway. So in mid-December, I thought I had better get myself to a doctor and find out just how far along we were before we started spreading the news. Surprisingly, we were seven weeks pregnant and it will probably feel like an entire year before this kid arrives, but we were still excited to share our joy with our families at Christmas. Sweet Cameron got her first "Big Sister" shirt and ambushed Grammy, who promptly squealed and said, "REALLY?!?!?"

I was also offered a full-time job at the tax consulting firm, which I could only take in good conscience by telling them that they were getting a package deal. My boss was the first person I told other than Bo! He was so kind and encouraging, saying that it would work out perfectly and he was thrilled for me. Thank the Lord that he sent me to this company just when I needed it the most. Though it would mean that I could no longer do part time work for the other ministry, I felt like it was the right thing for our family and they very graciously understood (and only briefly made me feel bad for abandoning them so soon after jumping in!)

Right away in January, I started to work at JJC full-time, though mostly I was just trying to figure out what was most helpful and trying to learn exactly what they do. It was so amazing to be in an environment that was comfortable talking about our Christian faith, praying and sharing our concerns with one another. Especially in such a stressful business, caring about and seeing each other through Christ's eyes makes a huge difference when people's patience might start to run thin. I loved hearing how much everyone respects and appreciates one another. The Christmas party was like one big love-fest, with each person having more kind and complimentary things to say than I had probably ever heard at any other workplace. Bo even commented that he was so excited for me to be working somewhere like that.

Work business sort of made me forget that I was expecting, other than the nausea and constant exhaustion. I would come home after work and just want to collapse in bed. Fortunately, I didn't really get sick and managed to still make it through most things. But then all of a sudden, some of our very dear friends from church had storms take over their lives. Ian Warshak was in the hospital for almost two entire months and literally came back from the brink of death. Seeing him in the hospital was so scary to me as a wife and mother, and it consumed my thoughts for weeks. How fragile we are. How we are completely invincible one moment and crushed the next. I just couldn't bring myself to celebrate a tiny baby growing in me when so many people I loved were hurting and unsure of what the next day would bring. Another dear family that we love found out that their sweet little boy would have to endure another round of chemo and radiation for the ugly cancer that had reared its head again. And I felt myself doubting that God has good plans. That perhaps He would allow us all to see what it feels like to let the world have its way with us.

All the while, this sweet baby just kept growing and growing. I felt flutters of movement at around 15 weeks, much earlier than I did with Cameron. I think this time I just had a better idea of what I was feeling and was so surprised. The doctor said I was pleasantly normal and unexciting. We opted out of all the genetic testing again because we knew it would make no difference to us. Shortly after, I read a blog about a woman who gave birth to a beautiful daughter and was blindsided with the news that she had down syndrome. One of her nurses told her that she also had a "special child" and that even though she was long since gone, she knew that her daughter's life was a gift. I cried and thanked God for the reminder.

Now I am 21 weeks along, doing great according to my last visit. The doctor is making me wait forever for the sonogram, but next week we should know if Cameron is getting a little brother or little sister (her request from the get-go.) We have been tossing around names but don't feel 100% settled just yet. I did briefly go crazy planning an entire nursery for a little boy, only to have to shelve it all until we know more. I remember thinking with Cameron that we were having a boy, so maybe my senses are just completely off anyway. Why guess? We will be thrilled either way.

Long story short, I don't want the new baby to perhaps look back on these early months and feel ignored. With your first pregnancy, you quickly become obsessed and worried and cannot stop talking about it. This time around, I feel like we will just figure things out when they come, and that I don't have to panic about it all for no reason. I just want to enjoy it.

In fact, tonight Baby and I had a great time listening to music together, and we decided on our official lullaby. With Cameron, I used to sing her "The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face" before she was born, and when she was a tiny baby it would actually calm her down.. This time around, I will be singing lots of this song:



Baby #2, you are loved, you are thought of, you are a gift.

Love, Mama