Today is one of those days of motherhood that nobody likes to talk about. I didn't get dressed until 3:00 because Cameron would scream at me the moment I put her down. She was eating fine, would have her diaper changed, and then peacefully go to sleep. On my chest. But the moment I tried to put her in her playpen, on the couch, in her bouncer seat, in her crib.... Screaming! For lunch, I ate a bowl of cereal with her screaming at me. I took a shower crying because I could hear her screaming at me from the other room. Why all this screaming?
The house is a mess. Last night I tried to be sweet and let your daddy take a nap when he got home from work. He has been taking over your 1 a.m. feeding so I can sleep until 4, but since he had to work all weekend (Saturday was clinic duty and Sunday he was a Triage Coordinator for the finish line of the Rock & Roll Marathon here in town) he has been so exhausted. I feel like I have been quarantined with a tiny person who doesn't speak - just screams. So last night I tried to make some tortilla soup, and it comes in a handy little kit at our grocery store. Pre-chopped ingredients, idiot-proof instructions. But because Daddy wanted to take a nap, we didn't eat when it would have been ready. I was feeding Cameron and all of a sudden smelled something burning... The entire soup had cooked down to nothing and all of the meat and vegetables was burnt to a crisp at the bottom of the pot. We had Taco Cabana instead.
I need to go to my happy place - Macy's. (The store, not my old college friend's house...) What do you wear when your maternity pants don't fit and you certainly don't fit into your pre-baby wardrobe? Is it worth it to spend money on things that you really hope you won't be wearing two months from now? And can someone please tell me where to find nursing bras that you don't absolutely hate? I own five - hate them all.
The only bright spot is that I got to get online for a few minutes (mostly to look at our bank account) and got a touching message from Beth Moore's daughter on their blog. I think I am trying to put so much of my hope in other things - baby books, my family members, my own determination to survive this thing called motherhood... And the truth is that my hope belongs only in Christ. I love the image of her son with his "red banoon." Go check it out for an uplift if you could use one.
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Thank you Katie for sharing a true side to motherhood. I am not a mom yet, but I appreciate you sharing days like this, because you know not alot people have the guts to admit they are frustrated or tired. I think that other mom's probably appreciate your honesty and sincerity as well! I hope things get easier, and I hope you get to go shopping! :)
ReplyDeleteWish I lived closer so I could come over and give you a break or at least a little nap!
Dearest Munchkin,
ReplyDeleteI have to start out by saying how much I love you and how proud I am of my baby sister. Being a mommy sure is touch work. It is the most selfless job in the world--horrible hours, no pay, no sleep, but it will get better. I hate that you are so far away as I want to pack Ryan and Emerson up and rush to San Antonio to help. I remember those same helpless feelings with Ryan and even with Emerson. Even tonight it took 3 hours to get her to sleep. I even took Emerson to work with me yesterday since she had a low grade fever and it was a hard day with out a lot of production. Today went back to normal and I can't begin to tell you how much I missed her when I picked her up after work. I write this to tell you to hang in there. There will be good days and really, really hard days. Don't sweat the small things in life and try to find something to smile at each day. That beautiful little girl you hold in your arms is a treasure (though you may question that at 4 am), but trust me. :) I am going to be calling you tomorrow to check in and see how you are doing. Remember that I love you and am always here for you!
Rachael
Dear Cameron,
ReplyDeleteI know what you are going through, my friend. I did the whole screaming unless Mommy was holding me thing MANY a day! But, I learned that hanging out in your crib is sometimes quite relaxing and I think it made my mommy a lot happier, which is ALWAYS a good thing.
You should be nice to your mommy and daddy so that you get to go out and do lots of fun things, like maybe come play with me! :) Trust me, only good things will come when mommy gets a nice long shower.
Tell your mommy she is doing a great job and that she deserves a few new clothes that make her feel like more than just Mommy. Hey, maybe we could even have a girls shopping day sometime with our moms! I enjoyed playing with you the other night and hope to do it again soon.
Your friend,
Ainslee
Ahh, the fun days that no one likes to talk about :) I hated my nursing bras too - now I don't wear them! I have fallen in love with the secret fit nursing tank from motherhood. It just depends on how big the girls are, but it's perfect for me. I also love that I can wear it any shirt and nurse her without showing my baby rolls :) Hang in there - you're doing great and don't worry about her screaming - it's building her lungs :) I'd love to tell you that it gets better - I didn't get dressed until 2 today. Never got around to my hair or makeup. Aiden hasn't had anything but undies on today and Madeline is still in her sleeper - it'll all be alright!!
ReplyDeletekatie,
ReplyDeletemay i echo the other comments and say YES it will all be okay. :) i know it's so hard sometimes, especially with the first baby, before you have a taste of what it's really like 24/7 - i was SOO there with Ava!! i can remember crying when ava was little and being so upset that i couldn't ever even seem to sit down and have a meal without her fussing. and then breastfeeding - oh my goodness, with Ava it was such a challenge those first 3 weeks!! it's something that we all go through. it's only after months and months of having your meal/shower/nap/email/phone call interrupted that you finally realize that you can take even that in stride :). we give up so much as moms and so many days feel like everyone is screaming at you but you have learned the most valuable lesson... this too shall pass. you will have a bad day and then 4 good ones or a bad "stage" but then in 2 weeks, it's all over. and you're right, when you find your value and your peace in God, the highs of motherhood seem even more joyful and the low moments seem easier because you feel God by your side. And one final thing that God so clearly showed me as I went through so much of this by myself with Jason working soooo much is that He IS there with you and what's more, he's better than any pair of human hands could ever be. He can calm a fussy baby, he can encourage your spirit, he can arrange time for your nap, he can make long days seem short and show you bright moments in the tougher ones. He is there, don't be afraid to ask him for help with all the things you wish you had human hands to do. He is listening.
Take a deep breath... YES go shopping for cute clothes... let her cry a little while you shower and leave the monitor off when you do...
and if it makes you feel any better, ava was fussy and guess what, my sweet little sutton is becoming a wailer too so nect time this happens, know i'm right there at the same stage with you!
Hi there, you don't know me- I'm Julia's sis in law. I just found your blog from her blog. I have a 1 year old and I just wanted to tell you it gets much better! You're in the roughest patch now (in my experience anyway) and it gets so much easier once she's 12 weeks old. Hang in there and know that we've all had days like this! It sounds like you're doing a great job.
ReplyDelete