A Love Letter for Beckett

Little Bear,
Today my doctor told me that you are still hanging in there but your blood levels are approaching what she would consider to be a problem number.  It gets more difficult to trust the ultrasound to give her all the information she needs to know that you are still okay but of course she doesn't want to do invasive tests all the time either.  Fortunately, you have grown and gotten stronger (now you are about 33 and 1/2 weeks along) so we are leaning more toward an early delivery than anything else.  So for now, we are going to get Mommy two steroid shots this week to help your lungs speed up their development and then we are going to see how you are doing next week.

Her exact words were "You are not going to make it to 37 weeks," which was the finish line that we had set up even if everything was still going perfectly.

Honestly, I think I took the news well because this is exactly what I thought would happen.  I am glad to at least have a week to try and get things situated at my office and prepare a bit more around the house for you.  There are a few things that I didn't even think about until today!  Your daddy is trying to cross a bunch of things off his list too, and I am actually a little bit glad that you won't be waiting for your arrival to perfectly coincide with the beginning of football season.  :)

But here is what I really want you to know.  Someday if you look back and wonder why I didn't write you more blogs or seem like I was thinking about you more, I want you to understand that I did think about you every single day.  I will honestly say that it took both your Daddy and I some time to come to the place of excitement and joy over your arrival that we are at now.  The shock over you and the sudden change of all the plans we thought would happen this year was a bit much!  But now we pray for your safe arrival, for your health and development, for the blessing that you will be to our family.

I am still a bit nervous over how your brother and sister will react to the changes.  Cameron will be starting kindergarten soon so I think she will be thrilled that you're here and then blissfully distracted.  Rhys may take a bit more time to understand why our time is stretched a bit thinner, but I want you know that we are going to do our very best to love and spend individual time with each of you.  I have already begun to imagine the different personalities you will all have, the different gifts that God will give to each of you.  I know that our family will be blessed in unique ways by the three of you and I can't wait to see what's in store.

I want you to know how happy you have made me, to feel your wiggles and see your sweet profile each visit to the doctor's office.  I love that you already know the songs that I sing at bedtime and that you still let me get a decent night's sleep.  I have great hopes that you will be a flexible guy, ready to roll with the schedule, and I love that you will be my little snuggle buddy since you will most likely be the smallest baby of our family.  As I washed your tiny jammies this week, I was astounded at how small you will start out.  But I know big things often come in small packages.

For now, we will spend the next week trying to be patient and not worry over your arrival.  I am very blessed to have doctors that are concerned for you and want to be cautious.  I know that whenever you are welcomed into the world, it will be the right time and we will deal with whatever that scenario presents.  We already adore you and can't believe you will be here before we know it.

All my love,
Mama