All the Leaves are Brown

Cameron,
I want you to know that when your mommy and daddy fight, it is never your fault. You are the most wonderful thing, a blessing that we are thankful for every day. So when we complain that we are tired and that the house is messy, it is only because we wish that those things would take care of themselves so that we could only have fun with you.

Sometimes I feel like I am trying to take care of you the best I know how, and that I don't know how to take care of Daddy or myself anymore. Daddy said the other day that sometimes I make him feel less like a husband and more like a helper, and it really hurt my feelings. He is always so wonderful to pick up my slack around the house when it comes to dishes and laundry and picking up. I guess most evenings I feel like it is just a miracle that I stayed awake long enough to last through work and fight the traffic back home, and the tasks piling up around me just get ignored. I don't know at what point it happened, but I think I have made a really bad choice to put your daddy last on my list. It is a hard thing to realize that when you become a parent, you feel like you lose that younger, more spontaneous version of yourself. And right now, I feel like I chose you over that version of me. I knew that having a baby would change everything - my sleep schedule, my body, my finances, my priorities.

The irony of how I have thought about this strikes me since I seem to have a black thumb. It's like our marriage was a beautiful potted plant. I watered it, I bought it a bigger pot, and it was growing great. So I decided to get it a friend! Another pretty plant right next to it. But instead of continuing to water them both, it's like I said that I only have one watering can and I just don't have the energy to fill it up twice as often.

How do I let him know that I love him now more than ever? But that it seems to take all of my focus to not let that one watering can run dry? No else seems to be able to fill it up for me, and I am afraid that I am just going to be an awful gardener all around. I know that there is always enough love and that you are the joy of every day, but Daddy and I have to find a way to take better care of one another too. I could use a little watering myself today.